I don’t know about you, but I find there’s nothing more deafening than the uncomfortable silence of a large awkward elephant lurking in the room.
Although money is the biggest cause arguments for 3 out of 10 couples (Starling Bank, 2023), I’ve found that for some female clients money is not the cause of their household arguments.
Is it because it is all under control?
No, not at all.
“I really do feel like the work and time we spend avoiding having difficult conversations is so much more wasteful and painful and time-consuming than actually having the difficult conversation”.
Shonda Rhimes, American tv producer and screenwriter.
Let that infuse for a bit.
So, the worry and mental energy we put into avoiding painful and difficult emotions is far greater than the effort and time needed to have the feared conversation in the first place?
Maybe you can also relate to this?
Ah, our old friend avoidance.
It is likely most of us recognise this pattern of behaviour either in ourselves or someone else. I can hold my hands up to resorting to this tactic on one or two (!) occasions.
Following research in 2006 Sade and Galai coined the term ‘The Ostrich effect’. The study found that people tend to disregard unfavourable information concerning finances. Although this study was based on investments and riskier financial decisions, everyday equivalents such as avoiding checking your bank balance out of fear or vowing to look at an unopened credit card statement later whilst stuffing it into a drawer fit into this category too.
All thanks to a cognitive bias where, as humans, we have an overwhelming preference for positive information and have a tendency to tune out potential negatives.
Talking about money can be challenging and stressful, but it doesn’t have to be.
The most effective coaching happens when we meet the person where they are. This approach can be extended to healthy conversations about money too.
By starting in a small way and building on it new habits can be formed and significant progress can be made. There is no ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to relating to each other about money. Creating the conditions to feel ready and relaxed to open up and speak about money is a huge first step.
Here are a few practical suggestions to consider :
- Take a moment to think about potential points of difference (think about whether there is a contrast in your upbringings or of your personal sets of values).
- After identifying your own underlying beliefs or values, why not share these with your partner? This will help to understand each other’s unique stories and points of view before getting into talking about the here and now.
- Be prepared to listen fully and understand the other person’s point of view. Try to give space and avoid interrupting. By avoiding the temptation to jump in, you’ll likely uncover and understand a whole lot more from your partner’s perspective as a result.
- Think about the timing and don’t try to swim against the tide. Although tempting, try to avoid the shoe-horned rushed end of the day conversation whilst collapsed on the sofa trying to have some switch off time.
- Plan ahead to find a good fit with your time and energy. By setting up time for a regular chat or even a variety of times/dates if less structure makes it feel more appealing. In doing so you are increasing the chances of a successful conversation.
By putting in the work and making it a regular topic of conversation this should lead to less discomfort when talking about money and finances in the long run. Once both partners take the time and are willing to see things from another perspective, big SHIFTS can start to happen.
This might be controversial…but Mr Rosebud doesn’t do money dates or believe in talking finance on Fridays! I (grudgingly!) get it. So we aim for a mix and I try not to have any of the sofa ambushing chats (note I said try, I am human after all!).
I’d love to know whether a money date is a regular thing? Perhaps it is the last thing you want to do!
Drop me a line and let me know.
Perhaps a future feature sharing others’ tried and tested techniques and tips could be useful?
If you know of someone this might just help today, please consider sharing.
Until next time 🌹
Bloom | Bud | Grow your moneymind
*For more detailed information tips and resources on this topic Moneyhelper has a wealth of information about talking to your partner about money to suit a variety of life circumstances. It is a fact-checked resource provided through the Money and Pensions Service, link in sources below.
Sources and further information
Galai, D and Sade, O ‘The Ostrich effect and the relationship between liquidity and the yields of financial assets’ last accessed 30 May 2024 available here
‘Talking to your partner about money’ Moneyhelper. Last accessed 30 May 2024. Available here
Money matters cause the most quarrels between couples, *Starling Bank, April 2023. Press release last accessed 30 May 2024. Available here
*Research based upon Starling Bank commissioned omnibus research study of 4,000 over 16s in the UK between 15th – 20th February 2023.
